


Your reasons to be(Zianourry)(Zayn centric)

by zauthor



Series: All his little things(Zayn Centric)(Drabbles) [7]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, Sad Zayn, Suicide Attempt, Zayn-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-12 15:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5670529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zauthor/pseuds/zauthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short story loosely based upon 'Moments'<br/>Where Zayn is disintegrating and the boys don't know what to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shut the door....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shut the door  
> Turn the light off  
> I wanna be with you  
> I wanna feel your love  
> I wanna lay beside you  
> I cannot hide this  
> Even though I try

Cracked sobs racked through his frail frame.

They could hear him.Everyone near him could hear him.They could hear the sobs,laced with dreadful amount of pain.They could feel the vulnerability of his state,seeping throughout the house.

It was unbearable.

They had to witness the most strong person,they had ever come across,breakdown and shatter into pieces.Never had they ever felt so helpless,their best mate,their boyfriend was possibly having a nervous breakdown but they didn't knew what they could do to help him.Simply,because they had never experienced something like that ever before. After all,it was Zayn they were talking about,they didn't knew what could help him.He had never needed them.It was them,who required care from him at times.

If it were Harry,Zayn would be the one to care for him,when he was pissed out of his mind and so drunk,that he couldn't even tell that two into two was four.

For Niall,it would've been the assurity that he still had the best friend,who had cared for him when no one understood him.

For Louis,just a bunch of movie nights,ice cream and cuddling would do the trick.After all,the little things mattered the most.

For Liam,cursing a little less and being the least troublesome one would do it.He'd tell you when he needed you and when a boys party was absolutely over due.So,they'd just have loads of fun,just the five of them without a care in the world.

Sometimes,the world just got too much for them and they needed to know who they actually were.Just a bunch of guys in their early twenties,having the time of their lives. Not those famous five boys of One Direction.They had each other for that.They kept each other grounded.

The thing is that,they'd always tell each other,when they needed the other,the later knowing exactly what to do.But Zayn was an exception.The isolated boy,never needed them,not like that.He'd never taken anything seriously.From breakups to hate,he always shook everything off and never showed,even an expression,that it bothered him.

So,it was safe to say that when they woke up that morning to a wailing and crying Zayn,they didn't had an idea of what they should do.They were inexperienced,to say the least.All of them had known that,the raven haired lad,was in pain.But Unfortunately,they didn't knew the severity of it.

The pain made sense .After all,it was that unfortunate day,five years ago,when his parents had passed away.It was a car accident.He himself had been in the car but made it out alive with a couples of scratches.

Zayn had always blamed himself for the accident. After all,he was the one who wanted to see that god forsaken ice skate park.It was snowing and he should've known better,at least that's what he told his twenty one year old self.

After the incident,the raven haired lad became the shell of what he was before,as a person.He became isolated,mature and more caring in a weird sort of way.That was before he had met the lads.And it was safe to say,that these mind twisting,prank playing,immature lads had broken down his walls.Before he even knew it,Zayn was coming back to life.He was becoming the 'Zain' everyone knew before the accident.He had found it in his heart to trust these boys.

Still,every year he had his low times.Specifically,at the day of.But never had the lads witnessed this state of their lover.

Maybe it was the fact that his grandmother had passed away recently or the petty argument they got into the day before.They did not knew.The only thing they knew was ,that he had always helped them,been there every time they had a break up,lost a friend,were hated on,had rumors about them.And they needed to be there for him.

"Zayn."Liam's voice was soft.

All of them tentatively entered the room,only to find a sobbing Zayn hiding under the cocoon of covers that he had layered upon himself.There was an eerie silence in the room,except for the residual sniffles that left Zayn's quivering lips.His hair laid limp,covering his forehead.Eyes bloodshot,tears leaking through them.The Bradford lad looked even more fragile then he was.

None of them knew what to do.They had never been in such a situation.In the moment of spur,Niall headed over to his boyfriends devastating state and he did what he was told was best.He hugged him.Tears gathered at the corners of Zayn's eyes and he started shaking more as louder sobs racked through his rib cage,tearing him apart.

"Let it out,you'll feel better."Niall's voice held care,not even an ounce of pity there.As he knew it was care Zayn needed,not pity.

Not a question was uttered throughout the room. Liam closed the door and then the curtains.He didn't wanted any money greedy Paparazzi to take advantage of his baby's state.He didn't wanted a crew member to see Zayn in that state,just to make jokes about it later. Zayn would never want that,nobody would.

The sobs turned into whimpers and silent tears,eventually coming to a halt.The raven haired beauty had fallen asleep.Laying him back,covering him in his duvets,Niall felt tears of his own,drying on his cheeks.He felt devastated,his stronger boyfriend,who had always been there to save him;had broken down in his arms and he couldn't do anything to prevent it.

The Irish lad felt a pat on his back and turned to look into green eyes full of emotion.

"He'll get through this,Ni.We'll get through this."he tried to reassure the fake blonde but it felt like he was trying to reassure himself.

No questions were uttered.But all of them had a similar one in their mind.

"Will he?"

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Hi guys.This is a thing I kinda just wrote as a blurb,fixed it into a one shot and now its up.

Second part only if you tell me how u like this and also I might not update tomorrow.

This was loosely based of 'Moments'.

kudos.Comment.Leave feedback.


	2. Heart beats harder.....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heart beats harder  
> Time escapes me  
> Trembling hands  
> Touch skin  
> It makes this harder  
> And the tears stream down my face

"Honey wake up. Zaynie wake up."That voice.

He hadn't heard the voice since,What felt like forever.

This must have been some kind of sick joke.

His mom was dead.Had been dead since forever,now.

'This isn't real.This isn't real.'He thought.

"Zaynie,don't make me call your dad!Get up now,young man."He snapped his eyes open,unfortunately,out of habit.What he saw was what he wanted to see but not for one second,he believed that it could happen.

However,he didn't care.It was his mom.He could see his mom. Zayn rubbed his eyes to get the residual sleep out of them.

And she was still there.Still smiling.Still beautiful.Her hair flowing around,carelessly and her eyes twinkling with happiness. Zayn could feel his throat close up and tears pooling at the corner of his eyes.Cautiously,he raised his hand and very slowly he touched her,afraid that she would turn into dust with just the touch of his fingertips.

But it didn't happen.She was still there,now a frown covering her forehead. Zayn felt the edges of his mouth perk up and he couldn't help but feel like his face would break into two parts.He was smiling so hard.

That was until he hugged her,letting out all his emotions.And in the lap of his mother,his safe haven,he let out everything he felt and everything he didn't wanted to hold onto anymore.He could see his father from his peripheral vision.He was happy,really happy.

He felt as his father's strong arms engulfed him into a much needed and extremely over due hug.He felt his mother kissing his forehead.

But suddenly,he couldn't feel his fathers warm arms around himself.There were arms still around him,but much smaller and thinner.

"Dad?"He didn't had to look up to see.He already knew what he dreaded was now true. Zayn was scared,lost and lonely but he didn't looked up because he simply didn't wanted to accept what he already knew was the truth.

A dark chuckle echoed throughout the place. Zayn clenched his eyes shut,silently praying that he could escape to reality.And if this was real.Well,he just hoped it wasn't.

"You think you can escape this!You little coward.Open your eyes and face the truth."To say that he was surprised when he heard the voice,would be an understatement.

Out of curiosity,he let his eyes open.

'Crap!' He thought.

He hadn't expected what his eyes witnessed.

Standing in front of him,holding him was a boy.Dark hair covered his forehead,his spectacles set on his nose.A disappointed and simultaneously,amused look covered his face.

It was him.

He was standing against himself or an older version of himself.

"You proud of yourself,you douche bag! Is that what you wanted. Oh I want to be the part of that cool group.Lets just do it the right way.Oh Oh I know what to do.I could totally kill my parents and that would earn me everything I ever needed.Is that what you thought?Hunh?"Zayn pushed the other boy away and yelled.

"I did not kill them,It was an accident!"He wailed and cried.

"You took them for that lame skating thing,leading them to their death.For what?Just to fit in a group of people,you didn't even liked."The clone spat,his tone accusing.

"No,I didn't!No,I didn't!"Zayn covered his eyes,wailing.

"Face it,Zayn!You killed them and you killed me!You should've died!You should've gone with them!You selfish piece of shit!"  
With that the other Zayn disappeared,leaving the real one in the dark with nothing but his sobs,echoing through out the place.

"Sunshine,what did I ever do to you?I loved you,cared for you,did everything in my power to fulfill your wishes and raise you.Why Zayn?Why?"His mother appeared out of now where,her eyes tearing up.Suddenly,his father was there too and the scene was changing.

Zayn's breath hitched in his throat.

It was the night of the accident,he saw it all happen right in front of his eyes.He screamed and yelled but it didn't stopped.

You killed us.

You killed them.

You killed them.

The voices wouldn't stop.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

"Zayn!Zayn!Wake up?"Liam yelled,trying to wake the shaking boy.Pathetic whimpers followed by hurling sobs trembled out of Zayn's lips.

Helplessly,He placed a tight slap on the boys cheek and The raven haired lad was shot awake from his slumber.Eyes red,breathing shallow and he kept mumbling something.He was there but at the same time it felt like he was far away.

Liams trembling hands approached Zayns shoulders and he shook the smaller lad hard,trying to gain his attention.

"Just a dream,Love.Just a dream."The amber eyed lad looked directly into his brown eyes but at the same time his gaze felt so far away.He pried himself from Liam's embrace,hugging his knees,letting a tear escape.Still mumbling under his breath.

The brown haired lad came closer to the smaller one and it felt like his heart shattered,at the bruised and battered voice that left Zayn's lips.

"I killed them."Zayn kept repeating,stuttering and trembling out of his quivering lips.

Liam felt an un-explainable jolt of pain rush through his body.

A tear streamed down his face.

He never realized how bad it was.But he knew now.

Zayn was gone.So gone.

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Hi guys,

So I was gonna go to sleep.

Am I spoiling you guys enough?

I know this isn't nearly enough and it kinda leaves you hanging but I am very tired and just wanted to update before sleeping.You guys deserve this.

So,next chapter when you guys tell me about this one and well of course leave feedback.

I am so tired!

How many of you have to go to school on Saturdays?

And how many take evening classes?

They are both fucked up and should be banned,entirely.

Anyways

Leave feedback.kudos.comments.Make me love you.

..........................................................................................................................................................................


	3. If we could only.....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If we could only have this life  
> For one more day  
> If we could only turn back time

"Zayn"The raven haired lad turned in his position.

Harry's heart clenched at the sight of his older boyfriend.Dark circles pooling deeper around his eyes.The crinkle that usually sat there long gone,leaving behind a weary desolation in his eyes.The beautiful raven hair knotted up into a chaotic bun.Cheekbones prodding out almost as if trying to escape the tan skin.The perfect jawline extremely defined.

Zayn was basically a skeleton covered with a thin film of skin.

Harry was worried about him.He was wearing the same grey sweatpants and white shirt that he changed into four days ago.

"Need something baby?"The curly haired lad asked tentatively,already filling up a glass of juice for his boyfriend.

"Nah,I'm just gonna be in my room."Harry felt the worry in his stomach deepen.He watched as the shorter lad rushed into his room closing the door behind himself.

The green eyed lad slumped in a chair next to the island.

Zayn was fading and it was no secret.He had been holed up in his room since the day of his parents death anniversary,only to come out to use the bathroom or rarely for food.It wasn't like the lads hadn't tried.They had done everything from cuddles to talking to force feeding the tan lad but they were lost.They were so used to their strong Zayn who'd get up at even the worst of the times,being there for everybody.Always giving,never needing.Clearly,that was not he was in that moment.He was decaying and they could do nothing about it.

If you love someone and they are always there for you,listening to your problems,your issues,the unfairness of life and giving you a shoulder to cry on.You want to be able to return that to them,to understand them,make things better for them and go through it with them. But if you are an idiot,like Harry,who took your partner for granted and does not know what to do in such situations,you feel useless.You are so helpless,which is exactly what you deserve.

As immature as it must sound,Harry wants to turn back time and thank Zayn for everything he had done for him,To cherish him,be grateful for him but mostly to ask him if 'he' was okay and how was 'he' for a change,instead of telling him all his problems and waiting for him to fix them with merely just a peck and the words.

Those words Zayn used.

Harry wishes he knew those words,so he could fix Zayn like the other lad fixed him.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

I know this is torture but I kinda slept the entirety of Sunday and couldn't get a lot typed out.Also I was supposed to update IGYMH but I got too involved into it and wrote like a lot of it and now I am too tired to type it out.And yes I am lazy like that.Might update that on Tuesday.

P.S the next month is full of tests so I might not update that much but Still I will try to.

And all of those who commented,I'd always give up sleeping to give you a little bit of my writing.I know I need to get my priorities set.

Next chapter when you make me love you.

Also I love you all so much this thing has like 650 reads already and it has only been a week since I first started this and I'll give you my heart is almost about to reach 1k and that's like amazing.

Leave comments.votes.preach

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	4. Close the door,throw the key....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Close the door  
> Throw the key  
> Don’t wanna be reminded  
> Don’t wanna be seen  
> Don’t wanna be without you  
> My judgment's clouded  
> Like tonight's sky

Louis pushed the raven haired lad out of the backyard door,closing the door behind him.

He heard him before he saw him.As soon as he closed the door the sobs began ripping out of Zayn's frail frame,tortuously.

Sobs laced with agony,with exhaustion.Louis' heart shattered at the sight of his younger boyfriend on his knees,clutching onto his chest as his body trembled with sobs.The feathery haired lad felt a wave of dread coarse through his veins.He had never seen Zayn in such a state in the entirety of five years they had known each other.

Almost instinctively,Louis took the fragile boy and placed him on his lap.The smaller boy wrapped his thin arms around the others neck.Louis was doubtful before but he knew now that it was huge.

Zayn was in a war and he was loosing.

The bone of his pelvic prodded at Louis' thighs.He was even lighter than a nut shell.The cerulean eyed lad felt the sharpness of Zayns body anywhere it contacted with his own.And if Louis was worried before,he was freaking out now.

What had happened to his boyfriend?His knight in shining armor.His savior.His partner in crime.Where had Zayn gone and how had he turned into this?Was Louis' responsible for it?Was it their fault?

"Louis."Zayn's voice was devastating.The voice that was as soft as fur was completely destroyed,replaced by a strong rasp.

"Yes,Zee."Louis swallowed all his questions,trying to give the other lad time.Time,to tell him everything.

"Please don't ask me anything."And well who was he kidding.He had completely forgotten that he had always been the one to talk and Zayn had always been the one listening.And along the way he ignored the necessity of Zayn talking to him in return and God knows he's regretful.

"Do you want to talk to the other lads?"Louis asked.They had just returned back from an interview when Louis saw Zayn heading towards the backyard and decided to follow him.

"No,I don't want them to see me this way!"He sniffled,his sobs calming a little.

Basically,this was the problem,Zayn had always been too careful with them,too strong that they never saw the cracks in his personality.Well until now,When he was too exhausted and didn't cared to keep up the facade anymore.

Louis felt as the younger lad drooped in his lap.He placed a kiss on his forehead before softly laying him on the ground.The older lad was about to massage through Zayns hair,when he stopped him by taking his hand in his own.

"Lay with me."The urgency in his voice made Louis' heart skip a bit.He silently obliged.

Laying besides the tan skinned lad,cuddling up to his fragile figure,he looked up at sky.

"It's cloudy,probably gonna rain."He said still looking up.

"Good maybe it'll take me away with the dust."Louis knew he wasn't supposed to hear it but blame his big ears,he heard it clearly.

And if that didn't killed Louis inside,nothing ever could.He couldn't help but wonder if they still had time or was it too late.

One thing he was sure about,Zayn was dissipating and he was dissipating fast.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

I hope this hurts people like it hurt me.

It's still short and well all the mistakes are mine.I know there are many.

Yesterday I was re reading the last IGYMH chapter and well 'A headache originated from the back of his HANDDD'

like seriously.

P.s i kinda listened to purpose yesterday and realized that I had been using the chorus in my stories like 'Harry gave Zayn purpose' and 'Zayn Malik gave me purpose' I swear I didn't knew it was in the songs.Everybody must thing that I'm such a wannabe.

So It's Zaynie's birthday tommorow and tbh I started this thing for his birthday.

And we are gonna have a vote.

Do you want me to complete this one?

Post a new part to IGYMH?

Or post a new one?

Tell me how you like it.

Comment.Kudos.Leave feedback.

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	5. Hands are silent...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hands are silent  
> Voice is numb  
> Try to scream out my lungs  
> It makes this harder  
> And the tears stream down my face

'You are worthless'

'waste of space'

'They don't like you'

'They are just pitying you'

'You are just for them to screw,both mentally and physically.'

'A toy,just a toy.'

'Nothing.'

'They don't love you,never did.'

'Look at how they are with each other.They don't do that with you.You don't deserve it.'

'You are a murderer.'

'They will leave you.'

'Or you'll kill them.'

A broken sob left his battered lips.The voices in his head were right.He did not deserve it.He will never deserve it.They are too good for him.They are happy that he is giving them space.

It hurts.It hurts more then anything.But he deserves it.All of it.

It was snowing,the snow already up to his knee.His lips were turning blue,legs numb but he kept walking.He needed to do this.To keep the boys safe,to get them out of their misery.

"Come on sunshine,Just a little more.You are brave.You can do this.Do this for them.You couldn't save us but you can save them."He saw his mother standing right next to him.She was exactly the same like them last time. Her hair flowing in her face,the snow making her face translucent.

"Yes,we'll help you when you get there.We want your boys to be happy and live."He looked at his left,where his dad stood.His dad had a determined expression on his face. That expression made Zayn want to do it more then ever.Maybe he could do this for the boys.

"But it's cold."He stuttered out his chapped lips. 

"It was snowing when you led them to their death,it is only fair if you die when its snowing.You should be able to feel what they felt."He looked at his old self who stood right in front of him,a accusing look on his face.

He kept walking after that.In the snow,with barely any clothes on. His eyes burned as the strong wind slapped across his face.

"Yes Zayn. Maybe they'll remember you for this."He heard his own voice motivate him.

Zayn's body was completely numb,his voice turning to a mere whisper.He wanted to cry out,in exhaustion,in despair and in desolation.He wanted to yell.Yell at himself for being the self absorbed crap he had always been.Yell at his fate for taking everything from him,just to give him everything and then making him feel like this.

Zayn was torn and tired but he didn't stopped walking.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Hi guys 

It's Zayn's birthday and I am not going to talk about it or else this'll be too long.

So wait for IGYMH update today and also if there are enough comments on this I'll update this again today!

Tell me how u like it make me love you.

Vote.Preach.Comment Love Zayn.

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	6. Flashing lights in my mind...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashing lights in my mind  
> Going back to the time  
> Playing games in the street  
> Kicking balls with my feet
> 
> There’s a numb in my toes  
> Standing close to the edge
> 
> There’s a pile of my clothes  
> At the end of your bed
> 
> As I feel myself fall  
> Make a joke of it all

Standing at the closer to the edge,Zayn saw his entire life as it flashed under his closed eyelids.From the day he started having memories till the last he remembered,everything was there. His mothers reassuring words,his fathers fabricated strictness,Louis' voice when he was hurt,Harry's soft out of no where kisses,Liam's smile when he talked about the lads,Niall's hugs and everything else.

Zayn felt the corner of his mouth twitch up to form a smile.At least he had some great memories to take with him.He could live with that or well die with that.

He remembered the last time he was happy,content even.They were out in the streets,disguises long forgotten as they played football.Everything in that moment was perfect. Zayn could almost feel the sensation in his feet as he remembered kicking the ball and it went right in to Louis' face.Louis had just laughed,as Zayn inspected him for any minor injury.

Zayn felt the snow passing the cold into his toes,numbing them.He moved even closer to the edge.

He remembered the point where he decided that it was done.He had changed into the clothes Liam had chosen for him,a huge pile of them beside the bed,some over it,some under it.

Zayn almost saw himself falling to his death.

What would the fans say?

Would they feel any sadness?Grief?

Would they even feel anything?

They would never understand.

They'll just prod into the matter until there are a few different proven stories and even his death would become a joke.

"Goodbye."He whispered,before almost completing the distance between him and the inevitable.

.......................................................................................................................................................................

I never realized how short this was.

And also These parts are in this order for the song.

Like the first one is Shut the door and well so on.

Don't forget to tell me How u like it.

P.s I know I'M GONNA REGRET THIS WHEN I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO POST THE ENTIRE WEEK.

but who wants me to complete this now.

5 comments and you'll have it.

Preach vote comment and Love Zayn ofcourse.

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	7. You know I'll be your

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know I’ll be  
> Your life  
> Your voice  
> Your reason to be  
> My love  
> My heart  
> Is breathing for this  
> Moment  
> In time  
> I’ll find the words to say  
> Before you leave me today

"Zayn"He turned to look at them,a soft glow around his face.His cheeks were flushed and eyes pulled.They could tell he had a fever.

"What are you doing here?"His teeth chattered.The boys hesitantly walked closer to him.

"Zaynie,you don't want to do this!"Niall said the first thing that he thought of,his arms raised in the air,signing he meant no harm.He didn't wanted to startle the boy.

"Yes,I do!You do too!"Louis felt his heart clench at the raven haired lads statement.

What had they done?

"Zee,no please.Don't do this.We don't want that!"The feathery haired lad said,desperation laced around his voice.He saw as the younger lad looked between them and the valley.

"I am a murderer.I don't deserve you!"He sobbed his lips turning bluer by the second.If they were able to talk him out of jumping,he was probably still going to get hypothermia.

"We don't deserve you?"Harry yelled tugging harshly at his curls."You are my life Zayn!and I am sorry that I'm not yours."The green eyed lad felt the tears as they flowed down his cheeks.

"You are the voice we needed Zayn and You are ours.I'm sorry that we couldn't be yours."He cried.The other lad frozen to his position,tears freely leaking out his amber eyes.

"You are the reasons we are what we are and I'm sorry we aren't yours."Niall sobbed,his legs giving out underneath him.

"This heart over here,it beats for you.And I'm sorry you had to get here for us to say it all to you.We should've said more,expressed more but there are not enough words in this world that could describe what I feel for you.How much we love you.Come back to us."Liam waved him over,his composure crumbling.

"Just."He breathed deeply,trying to contain the sob."Don't leave us.Not today,not ever."But he couldn't. Liam shook his head,adamantly.As if to say that he wouldn't take no for an answer.He wasn't ready for that.He'd never be ready for that.

"I love you!"Zayn stuttered out of his quivering lips and they almost fainted thinking of what would happen next.

Fortunately for them the dark skin lad turned around and ran up to them,slumping in Niall's embrace.All of them surrounded him like a shield,relief evident on their faces.

Nobody said a word but there was an unsaid promise in the air.They would never take Zayn for granted.Never let it be a one way relationship.Never let him isolate himself to this point ever again.And to be his everything.

His reasons to be.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Yes this is the end of it! 

And I am typing IGYMH as we speak,this is how I am celebrating Zayn day.By giving you guys reasons to love me.

JK.

Don't forget to tell me if this shook something in you and well if it was worth the crappy parts.

Also vote.comment.preach and love Zayn.

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End file.
